Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness: How to Support Parents as a Coach
Gabriela Almeida-Altamirano is a certified Perinatal Behavioral Health Coach at FamilyWell who supports families through pregnancy, loss, and postpartum. Learn more about Gaby here.
Pregnancy and infant loss are personal for me, as it is for so many of us who work in this field. I got pregnant for the first time back in 2017. We were not actively trying to get pregnant but we were over the moon and very surprised to see a positive test. The day before my first ultrasound at 9 weeks, I went to the bathroom and saw some spotting.
I called the doctor’s office right away and they said it could be normal spotting from implantation and to just wait until the next day since I already had a scheduled appointment. But the spotting turned into bleeding and by the time I made it to the ultrasound the doctor told us there was no heartbeat. It was devastating.
I did not understand how it happened. I sat there in the room, tears rolling down my face. The doctor said “I’m sorry, don’t worry you can try again in a couple of months, this is very common, my wife had two” — but this only made me feel worse.
Perhaps this was a common statistic, but it was not common for me. That was my first baby, my first pregnancy, and my first motherhood moment lost. For us, it was a huge loss. Still is.
At that moment, I didn’t need reassurance, I needed someone to validate my pain so that I could give myself permission to grieve on my own timeline.
And then when I got pregnant again four months later, I needed someone to help me navigate the conflicting emotions and anxiety I felt as I carried my rainbow baby while still grieving.
Now, as a perinatal mental health coach, I’m deeply passionate about providing the emotional support I wish I’d had throughout my loss and parenting journey. After working in this field for over 10 years, I’ve witnessed the unmistakable impact compassion and empathy can have on parents who are struggling.
Here are a few ways I support parents going through loss and pregnancy after loss.
Help Them Recognize The Duality of Pregnancy After Loss
It can be hard to stay present with feelings that fall on opposite sides of the spectrum simultaneously.
Anger and happiness
Fear and excitement
Sadness and joy
And yet, this is the reality for anyone expecting after loss. This is why, when working with clients like this, I always talk to them about it being okay to feel two things at the same time. Sometimes they need permission to feel excited and happy to be expecting, but at the same time sad and scared, while still mourning their loss or riding new waves of grief.
Our job as maternal mental health professionals is to help clients understand these feelings and allow them—we need to feel to heal, right?
Encourage Them to Connect With Their New Baby
Amidst all that fear and anxiety, it can be hard to connect with a new baby in the womb. When mothers experience this, I like to remind clients that they’re not bad mothers if they don’t connect with their babies right away.
Quite the opposite, this reaction is completely normal and biological. This disconnection is just their brains’ way of protecting them from pain. To work through this, I encourage clients to:
Think about their angel baby
Talk about their loss with their safe people
Find ways to honor that baby’s memory
Share Positive Affirmations and How to Use Them
So much of this mental health work is about shifting the focus from fear about what happened to what is now their reality, the new life they’re growing. One simple and accessible way you can help clients do this is with positive affirmations.
The goal here is not to overwrite the pain or grief but to continually come back to the feelings your client may want to have of joy, happiness, and excitement — alongside that I invite my clients to practice positive affirmations and empower them to believe in their body’s abilities to grow and birth a healthy baby.
Here are some simple but supportive affirmations you can offer your clients:
My grief is valid.
I am not alone.
This isn’t my fault.
My body is not broken.
Remind Them That Healing Takes Time
Even us professionals can have a hard time remembering that healing is not linear — and it doesn’t happen overnight. This can be especially difficult for parents embarking on this journey again after infant or pregnancy loss. To help clients with this, I remind them:
Grief is not a condition, it is a normal human emotion.
There is no timeline or blueprint for healing from a loss
It’s okay if it’s hard — give yourself grace
Another supportive tool for your clients, as they embark on this journey of pregnancy after loss, can be a support group. PSI offers 50+ free, virtual support groups catered to different challenges around loss, pregnancy, and fertility. Connecting with those who have gone through the same thing can be incredibly healing for your clients.
Supporting Clients After Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Miscarriages are very common, so why is there not enough support and resources for couples who experience them? I learned that honoring my angel baby and talking about my experience with both professionals and close friends and family was a good way for me to heal.
I hope that others will be inspired by their experiences to become coaches like me. You can be that guiding light in someone else’s journey through loss and navigating pregnancy after loss.
A great way to turn your passion for helping parents into a profession is through the Perinatal Behavioral Health Certification Program. I’m grateful for this course and all the ways it expanded my maternal mental health knowledge and helped me build on my lived experience.
This certification can help you get started in the coaching field or help you expand your current practice with perinatal mental health coaching tools and expertise. If you’d like to support parents through the unexpected emotional challenges of pregnancy, loss, and postpartum, check out the Perinatal Behavioral Health Certification Program for yourself. You could be the reason someone heals and finds joy again.
